The Greendale Seven vs the Asian Person 1
by thx80
Summary: The members of the Greendale Seven meet a new enemy.
1. Chapter 1

All members of Greendale's infamous study group (including Pierce) finally come together to face another year at community college. After some hugs, handshakes and screaming whereas Shirley was the one who almost broke glasses thanks to her ability to reach an unnaturally high octave they walk down the hallway heading to their study room and recalling their summer adventure on Harper Island.

* * *

SHIRLEY

I'm so glad that we all made it out alive from that horrible place. It was the worst vacation I've ever had.

* * *

BRITTA

Agree! I'm still having nightmares.

* * *

JEFF

Who wouldn't? We were almost killed by two homicidal psychopaths.

* * *

BRITTA

Are you having nightmares, too?

* * *

JEFF (putting a sly smile on his face)

Of course, not.

* * *

PIERCE

Wait, there were two of them? I thought it was just one.

* * *

ANNIE

Guys! Do we really have to talk about what happened on Harper Island? I would like to forget all the blood, the chopped up body parts and the dead bodies.

* * *

ABED

Troy wakes up every night screaming and crying like a little girl.

* * *

TROY

Abed! We agreed to keep it a secret.

* * *

BRITTA

If you need someone to talk about the things that we all experienced this summer you know that I'm a major in Psychology.

* * *

TROY

Yeah, you're the right person to help me getting over with the mental damages I suffered from being chased by a bloodthirsty psycho in a rainy night. Wasn't it you who told Christopher to give in to his urge?

* * *

BRITTA

I didn't know that he had the urge to kill everybody.

* * *

TROY

He strangled Pierce's dog with his own hands!

* * *

PIERCE (sighing)

His name was Paco. The poor guy. I miss him so much.

* * *

BRITTA

The dog had rabid. There was no other way but to kill him.

* * *

SHIRLEY

Still, Christopher went on a killing spree right after you talked to him.

* * *

ABED

Wrong! He went on a killing spree right after Britta hooked up with him.

* * *

Everybody gives Britta a shocking look.

* * *

JEFF + ANNIE + SHIRLEY + PIERCE + TROY

You did what?

* * *

BRITTA

How did you know…? I wasn't actually sleeping with him. It was… a very special treatment I've read from a book.

* * *

ABED

Interesting. And that special treatment involved you two being naked, kissing and doing things that aren't appropriate to people under the age of 17?

* * *

BRITTA

He was crying for help.

* * *

JEFF

And you thought it would be helpful to do some X-rated stuff with him?

* * *

ANNIE

Britta, why are you always…

* * *

TROY

… screwing up guys?

* * *

PIERCE

… making them gay?

* * *

ABED (to Troy)

Remember Ray Ray from philosophy class last year?

* * *

TROY

How could I forget that guy? He used to be real fun to hang around…

* * *

ABED

… until Ray Ray and Britta made out during Annie's fund-raising party. A few days later Ray Ray set himself on fire at a child beauty contest. As it turned out he tried to impress Britta who dumped him prior to that fateful day that traumatized dozen little girls.

* * *

SHIRLEY

You've got some strange talent there, Britta.

* * *

BRITTA

Alright, alright, I admit it. My vagina is turning men into monsters.

* * *

ANNIE

No, it doesn't. Look at Jeff. He is still… normal… more or less.

* * *

JEFF

Thank you, Annie.

* * *

ANNIE

You're welcome.

* * *

TROY (to Jeff)

You are a survivor, man.

* * *

ABED

What's your secret?

* * *

BRITTA

Maybe he is worse than me?

* * *

ABED

True! However, my theory is that you two are like negatively charged molecules or like Inspector Spacetime and Lunara his one-time companion from Inspector Spacetime's seventh Christmas Special. They were hot over heels the first time they meet. But when the two of them found out that they were very much like brother and sister this revelation was about to destroy the universe. To prevent the universe from collapsing Inspector Spacetime took Lunara to another dimension where Inspector Spacetime and his incarnations don't exist. Then he erased Lunara's memories of the time they spent together and destroyed the door to the other dimension so we would never meet Inspector Spacetime's one true love, ever again.

* * *

ANNIE

That's sad.

* * *

JEFF

It doesn't make any sense.

* * *

ABED

I know but it was still a great episode.

* * *

The Greendale Seven arrive at the study room. But to their surprise they are welcomed by an Asian person who is sitting on the chair next to Jeff. Little do they know that he will change their lives forever.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Greetings!

* * *

JEFF

Excuse me, but this is our study room.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Oh, I know that.

* * *

PIERCE

Piss off, Chang!

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

I'm not Chang.

* * *

PIERCE

You are not? Sorry, but you people with your slitted eyes and black hair look all the same to me.

* * *

ANNIE

Pierce!

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Oh, I don't mind his rude remark. I already know that you are all racist.

* * *

ANNIE

No, we are not! With the exception of Pierce I can proudly say that this study group is open to every man and woman regardless of the color of their skin, their cultural background, their sexual preferences and their religion.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

You must be Annie. You're the worst.

* * *

ANNIE

What?

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

You're a racist and an ego-maniac.

* * *

ANNIE

No, I'm not!

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Oh, come on! You're taking advantage of other people's flaw. You're making excuses on their behalf so nobody will ever place you on the same level with them. Plus, you're trying to present yourself in a proper light by making people like Pierce look mentally deranged. Did you ever listen to what you're saying?

* * *

SHIRLEY

He's got a point.

* * *

PIERCE

I'm not mentally deranged.

* * *

ANNIE

I'm not an ego-maniac! Everything I do is being the conscience of this group. If it weren't for me everybody would kill each other.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

But you have to admit that you are doing this for your own sake.

* * *

ANNIE

Who wouldn't?

* * *

BRITTA

Well, I wouldn't do that since I'm the most selfless person in the world.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Let me guess, you're Britta, the master of self-delusion. Wasn't it you who dumped that lunatic who set himself on fire in a room full of elementary school girls last year?

* * *

BRITTA

It didn't click, okay? Would you stay in a relationship when there's no connection?

* * *

JEFF

Who are you, anyway?

* * *

ASIAN PERSON (grinning)

I am God.


	2. Chapter 2

PIERCE

No, you're not. God isn't Asian.

* * *

ANNIE

Pierce!

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Yeah, he is right. I'm just kidding. I don't believe in God, anyway.

* * *

SHIRLEY

You sure have a screw loose.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

I read Doctor Duncan's notes. It's appears to me that every one of you has some mental issues. Compared to you I'm the sanest person on Earth. It's a miracle that no one of you blew up Greendale or turned it into a slaughter house.

* * *

ABED

Instead, we turned it into a battle field on several occasions over the years.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

I heard about those incidents.

* * *

JEFF

You still haven't introduced yourself.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Oh right. Well, just call me Wally. It's not my real name, though. But let's stick with it for the time being.

* * *

JEFF

So… Wally… what do you want from us?

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

My, my, you really are impatient. How about all of you take a seat first? After that I will explain.

* * *

SHIRLEY

I have a very bad feeling. Maybe we should leave.

* * *

ANNIE

You're right. Something doesn't feel right.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Did I mention that you don't have a chance? After all, I know what you did last summer.

* * *

TROY

Holy crap! He is like the guy in that horror flick.

* * *

ABED

You mean the one with those attractive young students who accidentally killed a drifter and were pursued by a serial killer in an Eskimo coat? That was a terrible movie by the way. I still don't understand why it became a commercial success.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Oh, I know which movie you mean. I like it. It's one of my favorites.

* * *

ABED

There's no way we become best friends.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

It's not my intention to be friends with you guys. Now, sit down. Or else, I will tell the police that one of you is responsible for the massacre on Harper Island.

* * *

PIERCE

You mean Britta and her cursed vagina?

* * *

BRITTA

I just slept with one of the killers before he went out to butcher the people on the island. It doesn't make me an accomplice. No judge would send me to prison for having sex with a guy who turned out to be a mass murderer. And for your information I have the best lawyer in the world. He is smart. He is good-looking. And he can make you do things just by looking at you with his beautiful eyes.

* * *

JEFF

Britta, you don't have to brag about me, although I'm flattered.

* * *

BRITTA

I'm talking about my lawyer, Jeff.

* * *

JEFF

You're seeing another lawyer? Who is this guy? What's his name?

* * *

BRITTA

That's none of your business.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

I wasn't talking about you sleeping with Christopher. Remember? There was another killer on that island.

* * *

PIERCE

By the way, who was the second killer?

* * *

TROY

Actually, nobody could figure out his identity. We only know that there was a second killer because some survivors including me and Abed witnessed Christopher together with another person.

* * *

ABED

They almost caught us while we were hiding. Remember the time when we were separated from each other.

* * *

SHIRLEY

That was one of the scariest two hours of my life. Me together with Pierce. I almost lost it.

* * *

PIERCE

Oh, come on. We were in the safest hiding place. It was impossible for those killers to find us.

* * *

SHIRLEY

I wasn't scared about the killers.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Did you guys know that the second killer wasn't caught.

* * *

PIERCE

So he is still on the loose?

* * *

SHIRLEY

Oh, my dear Lord!

* * *

ABED

It's not over yet. The second killer could track us down and kill us one by one.

* * *

TROY

Oh my God! It's just like in that movie! First, he will get the creepy old guy, then the sexy one, the poser, the overly religious and finally... the jock!

* * *

JEFF + ANNIE + BRITTA

Who is the sexy one?

* * *

ABED

Britta is the sexy one. Jeff is the poser. Pierce is the creepy old guy. Shirley is the overly religious. Troy is the jock.

* * *

PIERCE

Why am I the creepy old guy?

* * *

ANNIE

What about me?

* * *

ABED

You're the virgin. The virgin always survive. I'm the weirdo who gets badly injured during the final confrontation with the killer. But there is a high chance that I will recover from my wounds to make it in the sequel.

* * *

JEFF

Guys, this is not a horror movie! Even if the second killer is still on the loose why would he target us? We are not the only survivors.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Yes, you are. The priest, the schoolteacher, the actress, the stripper and the doctor were murdered within two weeks. And he is now on his way to Greendale to get the person who is responsible for the massacre on Harper Island.

* * *

JEFF

Yeah, sure. You're making it up.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Maybe, maybe not... Please, have a seat.

* * *

BRITTA

I don't know what you guys are thinking, but I'm out of here.

* * *

SHIRLEY

I'm coming with you.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

If you leave this study room the bombs will detonate and Greendale will be blown to smithereens!

* * *

ANNIE

Um, guys?

* * *

JEFF

Don't worry, Annie. He is crazy, but he is not that crazy.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Maybe, maybe not. You want to it find out?


	3. Chapter 3

ASIAN PERSON (grinning)

Go ahead, Jeff! The moment all of you stepped into the study room the bombs I set at Greendale activated. If you leave thousands of students will die in one big firestorm and Greendale will burn to the ground. But don't worry; the bombs will be deactivated after two hours if everybody stays with me. In the meantime, you should all have a seat and have a nice talk with your new friend Wally.

* * *

The Asian Person puts a digital clock on the table that counts backwards.

* * *

BRITTA

What's that?

* * *

SHIRLEY

Oh, I have a bad feeling about this.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Relax! That's just a clock. It shows how long you have to stay in the study room before the bombs deactivate.

* * *

PIERCE

You are a total lunatic! You are worse than Chang!

* * *

TROY

Why are you doing this?

* * *

JEFF

Guys, don't take him seriously. He's trying to scare us.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

You want to leave? That's fine by me. I don't care about the people at Greendale, anyway. It's about time that somebody blows that poor excuse of a community college up.

* * *

Annie sits down on her chair.

* * *

JEFF

Annie, you actually don't believe him, do you?

* * *

ANNIE (angry)

I'm not taking the risk, okay?

* * *

Shirley, Britta, Troy and Abed join Annie.

* * *

JEFF

Oh, come on, guys!

* * *

BRITTA (to the Asian Person)

It's just for two hours, right?

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Right.

* * *

JEFF

This guy is a jerk! Don't you see it? He's making a fool out of us!

* * *

BRITTA

No, I don't. And I'm sure every one of us doesn't. But I know for sure, if people's lives are at stake, I will be damn cautious.

* * *

ANNIE

I don't want people getting hurt because of me.

* * *

JEFF

Alright, I get it! You are all idiots! With the exception of Pierce.

* * *

PIERCE

Sorry, Jeff, you are on your own.

* * *

Pierce takes his seat next to Troy giving the Asian person a poisonous look.

* * *

PIERCE

You better be sure what you are doing. If you are making it up I'm going to hunt you down and gut you like a fish.

* * *

TROY

And I'm going to help you. With the hunting, I mean. Not with the gutting. Because that's something only a mad man would do. And I'm not a mad man.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Deal!

* * *

JEFF

I'm out of here.

* * *

Jeff turns his back on his friends. He is about to make a step outside the study room when suddenly:

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

If you leave the study room it will make BOOM!

* * *

Jeff hesitates. Everyone is staring at him while he tries to make up his mind.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Think about the people. Think about the kids who just started their lives away from home. You are robbing them the chance to find out who they really are. You're robbing them to experience the joy of life.

* * *

ANNIE

Jeff!

* * *

SHIRLEY

Get your ass back here and sit down, for Chrissake!

* * *

BRITTA

If you leave this room, I swear, that I will… break your legs!

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Listen to your friends, Jeffrey.

* * *

JEFF

Alright!

* * *

Jeff turns around and sits down.

* * *

JEFF

Are you happy now?

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Yes, I'm very happy right now. I tell you guys are secret. There are weight sensors on your chairs. The moment all of you sat down, the bombs activated for real. Now you guys really have to spend the next two hours with me.

* * *

JEFF

You son of a bitch!

* * *

Jeff attempts to go for the Asian person's throat. But he freezes when all of the sudden a beeping noise comes out of his chair.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Careful, Jeff. If anybody of you stays away from your chairs for more than ten seconds it will make BOOM! One… Two… Three… Four…

* * *

ANNIE

Jeff, sit down!

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Five…

* * *

SHIRLEY

Oh my God! Oh my God! It's a nightmare!

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Six…

* * *

BRITTA + TROY

Jeff!

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Seven…

* * *

ABED

That reminds me of…

* * *

PIERCE

Oh, please, shout your mouth!

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Eight…

* * *

When Jeff finally sits down the beeping noise stops. Everyone sighed in relief.

* * *

ASIAN PERSON

Good boy, Jeff. Now, let's start class. Let's find out who was responsible for the massacre on Harper Island?


End file.
